Shhh. I don’t want to talk about it.
Just leave me alone.
Get outta my face.
This is ridiculous.
Do you want to talk about it? No.
It’s just too much.
I’ll just keep this to myself since no one really cares.
This are all things I’ve said myself or that I’ve heard others say over the last few years. As much as we want to live in the freedom of truth, we sure are fearful of knowing and being known. I can’t vouch for anyone else but myself. So today, it’s real talk because sometimes you have to look backward in order to move forward.
I have spent much of this year planning, goal-setting, doing, thinking, and dreaming. I have also spent much of the year taking things back, weeping, wallowing, grieving, watching, waiting, failing, building, and wilting. Those are all hard things to walk through – maybe even upending, but guess what? It’s real life. There are no fairies and unicorns and rainbows spreading goody dust or ain’t-no-problems-here dust.
Life is hard and gritty. Its edges continue to scratch and claw annoyingly at who I am and what I’m trying to do. All that irritation is no excuse to ignore the burn, the pain, or the discomfort. In these moments I have to choose to remember that I am not without hope. I have an opportunity to change my attitude and perspective. It is a CHOICE, and there have been so many times I didn’t want to choose. I wanted to give up. I wanted to say I didn’t care. I wanted to not care. However, and fortunately, that gnawing sense of hope in the darkness would not let me go; so here I am today writing my way through it.
This post by no means captures the heights and depths of the year. It merely my way of saying 2015 was some kind of wonky year in which nothing happened and yet everything happened – just not the way I wanted or dream. Here’s the reality though: I still can make a change, a difference, and adjustment. Just because January 1, 2016 is about to roll around doesn’t mean I have missed my opportunities. It just means I can keep on keeping on. I can keep moving forward. I can push. I can fight. I can lead. I can dream. I can set goals. I can do the work. I can flourish. And I will because I’m choosing to do what I can as I can where I am now.
I’m not going to talk about all the great ideas. I want to talk about the valleys and shadows, the loss and grief, the hollow places and thin places, the victories and the upsets – these are where life has continued to happen despite my trying to control it, which I cannot. So I’m leaning in and choosing to walk through it all. I know, on the other side, I will find a strength I didn’t know I had. In 2016, I’m choosing to talk about it all.
What are you choosing for this new year?